So this week ended with a bit of a personal challenge. I walked away from a conversation with someone I hold in the highest of regards feeling a little broken, a touch of hurt and just slightly disrespected. Nearly every part of me said as my friend, as someone who cares for and wants the best for me, she is opening up to me and expressing a boundary that she felt needed to be made clear. Understood, because I laid my own in that same conversation with my expectations going forward. But the remnants of old me, reactionary, defense mode activated put a wall up, attack when hurt or shut down me, wanted none of what she was offering. Yep – after months of therapy and conscious change she is still here with me. I realized in that moment I can’t get rid of her just yet because she’s a reminder that all those initial reactions aren’t fitting and allow space for new me to process through the situation appropriately.
And this has been one of the challenges I’ve faced the last year. Having to move through the way I see, feel and process the experiences and people in my world. Understanding that things not only happen to me but also for me. Believing that there’s a lesson or opportunity for growth in every interaction, good or bad. You know, all the things I’ve told people and taught the youngsters in my life for years but never really allowed to take root in my own. Some for fear or being judged or ridiculed, in some part for fear of being isolated as I get deeper in my faith and more secure in my posture as a woman. I’ve always lived and operated with honorable intentions and I truly believe that’s what most people see in and feel from me. But in times where I’ve been challenged, discounted or put off, my outward reaction is always to take it in stride, very water off a ducks back. But inside it has always been a very different and difficult experience. One that led me to last year’s tipping point, shedding people, vices and then therapy.
As I’m happily racing towards 40, I realize that all of this points to my need to make one massive change – I have to learn to trust myself. I’m talking complete, unadulterated, implicit faith in me on every level. Now that I’m here and far more aware I understand I have to start funneling much of the faith I have in people into myself. I have to continue putting effort into my growth and moving past hurts and failures of how many yesterdays ago. I have to remember that no one expects perfection and I’m doing fine in demonstrating to the world that the work to be a good person, a better version of yourself, is absolutely worth it. And remembering sometimes growth is uncomfortable and may hurt a little but is well worth it in the end so long as you stick with it. So I encourage you all be thankful for the people, situations and times that challenge you, that push you to grow and force you to take new inventory of yourself. Whether by intent or incident the opportunity they present you to push beyond your current bounds is priceless and there’s no greater blessing than taking another step towards who you’re destined to be!
There’s too many books to quote, religious text to filter, so I’ll end this with one of my favorite quotes from an unlikely source:
“No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you’ve come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.”
Now go be blessed and a blessing to someone!